Business

I've been kicking some long term goals around in my head the last 3 or so weeks. I've got a several ideas, sort of vague, but getting more specific that seem possible, but tricky. The overall idea is that I want to find a different livelihood which I am genuinely in love with. Not just a job, career, or paycheck, but a way to make money yes, which also fulfills some deeper desire buried inside my heart/brain.

First off, my plan up until a months ago was to attend school at HCC in the Diesel Mechanic program. It would have been very taxing, working 40 hours over the weekends and in class for 40 M-Thur. Not that I doubt my ability to keep up with that pace, but all of the personal things coming down at once around the same time, with my winter housing not quite figured, it was wise to put it off. Now this goal fits in nicely with my idea of doing something I love, though it will still likely force me to continue having someone else sign my checks. My greatest appeal is in learning actual physical skills and knowledge in which to apply those skills.

Another idea, which I will work toward this winter and possibly implement in the summer, is a gold prospecting adventure. This ties together many facets of life that I find terrific, but will not pan out in the money department. If it is somehow profitable, I would still see the likelihood of continuing as low, due to the wildly unpredictable nature of finding gold.

Idea number 3 is to write a book. I'm an okay writer and I know from experience that some fairly horse shit writers can still do okay. It would probably be either some sort of novel based loosely on things I've seen and experienced (aren't they all) or it would be based more in truth about some sort of adventurous mishap that I've fallen(thrown myself) into. I wouldn't expect greatness in this department, but it would be an interesting experiment on par with my musical writing and recording which has amused me over the years. No real chance of money, just some odd inner drive that exists, but isn't overpowering.

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Really I guess that comes to the heart of the matter. I want to become terribly obsessed with something. Obsessed to the point of sickness, constantly seeking some form of quality for quality's sake. I am far from a perfectionist, particularly when doing things for myself. When I work for other people, my eye becomes much, much sharper and exacting. I also have many interests which lead to distraction. I am also overwhelmed by "real life" which serves as a distraction. I think about living in an apartment with heated underground parking. Working a job close by, eating at small local restaurants, not being "dependent(though dependent in a whole new way)" on my own deliberate efforts to maintain quality of life(i.e. splitting wood, plowing the driveway, repairing the leaky roof, feeding the dog, cutting the grass, etc.) Maybe it is necessary to limit some of those peripheral tasks to gain some focus. I know they are part of my chosen lifestyle and I do take pride in them and the accompanying abilities of mine. They do not evoke the feelings of desire that I'm thinking of though.

I am also unsure what real overall goal I'm trying to find. A life lived well I suppose? Since religion and afterlifes(sic) left my thought process years ago I have to find some other end result that is satisfying to prevent hedonism or suicide. I like people to have a good image of me, though that's eroded more and more over the years. (The older you get, the less you care what ANYBODY thinks of you.)

But here, coming back to where I'm at now. I live in the woods very secluded from people, in a small cabin with no grid power or running water. There are harsh, long winters and buggy, hot summers. A lot of my spare time and money is spent improving the cabin, working on little projects(sauna, screen porch, wood shed, garage someday.) I work overnight security for decent money and benefits with a long commute(an hour and half). I get a lot of jet lag and I don't think this situation is "enough" for me. I can't settle for it in good conscience, even though it does make possible many activities that I enjoy. I like being busy, but I don't like being rushed. I enjoy helping my neighbors, friends and family with projects, but I don't like being tied into it for long periods of time.

Upon honestly looking at myself, I often come to the conclusion that I am simply a fickle and hypocritical individual. I seek. I find. I go seek something else. Rinse and repeat.

Chewing the Fat

600 extra calories in donuts today. Settling into the end of another 16 hour shift, running on 4 hours of sleep, and feeling downright excited for the future life. There isn't a race to run against anyone else. It's just me and my extra calories.

Another year has passed and again I live in a different place. I live in different circumstances, feeling different pressures. I weigh 180 in underwear, feel great, sleep little, worry less. Vacation and day shifts have given a marked improvement to my mood swings.Waking with the sun is a refreshing and secretly satisfying pleasure.

Some plans haven't worked out this year, some have. Nothing has crushed me. The autumn has come on gentle, easing me down, let me sleep in the cold without suffocating me under frost. Money situation is better. Car situation is better. Living situation is better. Relationship situation is better. Social situation is better. Health situation is better. Plus, I even grew my hair out for fun and winter warmth.