The progression

Thinking, as I often do when staying up all night, listening to the dull roar of sleeping life, I realized that I am again in a very different life situation for about the 5th time in as many years. It's not just about where I live, the place I call home or where I work or who I spend time. My milieu has changed, the activities and topics which dominate my time and steer my investments have been altered. The hobbies and skills which I thought defined my personality have been replaced by other things. Lately, speaking about the last 6 months, my environment and how I influence it is different.

I am a night worker, watching grown men sleep for most of my 10 hour shift, meeting interesting characters and having interesting conversations. I ride a motorcycle to work and back whenever possible, covering over 120 miles and spending over 2 hours in the saddle each day. Our old house needs bits of renovation and constant repair, so I find myself learning more about plumbing, electrical, masonry, and carpentry than I would normally be inclined. I say "our" because I share my life with a girl who is beautiful and intelligent, stubborn and opinionated and who causes me many moments of joy and anguish. We are trying this year to grow many vegetables, selling to friends, family, neighbors and the extended community of coops and restaurants. This farming venture has occupied much of my time, fixing things that break, preparing soil, and learning the process of how to best foster predictable and marketable growth.

Often times I think my life is defined by the problems I solve and physical things I repair. Irrigation pumps get drowned in a rising river, lawn mowers have delicate plastic pieces which shear off, cars suffer much wear and tear from long commutes to town, wood stoves need chimneys installed through roofs, roofs need patching to keep the rain out, greenhouses need rafters and walls rebuilt due to collapse from snow load. The complications of life have multiplied simply because of all the new factors which determine "success."

I have my hobbies. Things I thought were important and personally defining; hunting, fishing, camping, practicing primitive living skills, reading literature, playing guitar, taking road trips. Many of these have become less important as I spend more time weight lifting, gardening, playing soccer, fixing broken things, and preparing for winter.

Feeling strung out, spread too thin, stressed, run down, exhausted, or whatever sort of depressing descriptor you'd like, I am surprisingly sane. I find many moments of calm and fight the urge(thought sometimes lose) to become upset about losing control of life. I long for the times of a care free life. Much time was spent with friends. There were more random adventures and places to explore. I am very often alone, close to a hermit, but keeping in vague contact with those loyal few who I value for their character.

I still only weigh 170 pounds. I do not fill my clothes. Best shape of my life? It might be, but their is much more to gain yet. My physical body is more defined in line with my mental thoughts. I have a sharpness, a poignant no apologies attitude. If there is something to be ashamed of, I hope to already have considered it. Just as I continue to consider my progression, the uphill slide by the seat of my pants.